Wednesday, January 4th 2012, 4:00 PM EST
“I DO think there’s a ‘squatch in these woods….”
What the heck has happened to science on television? Animal Planet has a show called “Finding Bigfoot,” with a guy looking like he just cleaned out all the pork rinds at the Piggly Wiggly telling us he believes “there’s a “squatch” in these woods….”
“Sasquatches DO exist,” insists another sasquatch hunter, doing his best to look and sound serious, in the show’s accidentally comical commercial.
We shouldn’t single out Animal Planet for scorn, however. The channel does have silly company. The History Channel has a show called UFO Hunters. Planet Green has a show called UFOs over Earth. These and other channels show Nostradamus programs more regularly than they show microscopes and telescopes combined.
Against this backdrop, I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised by incessantly ridiculous claims and headlines about global warming.
Global warming causes earthquakes. Global warming causes depression. Global warming causes tsunamis. Global warming causes wife beatings. Global warming causes acne. Global warming causes AIDS. Global warming causes a greater likelihood of a UFO invasion.
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No, seriously, scientist-activists and their media allies have alleged each of the above, and then some.
Just as microscopes and telescopes are glaringly missing on the “science” and “history” shows about sasquatches and UFOs, so too is the Scientific Method glaringly missing from alarming global warming claims.
“Global warming is a crisis because our computer models predict it will be.”
Who programmed the computer models?
“Um, we did.”
But your computer models predicted more warming for the present than has actually occurred.”
“Um, well, we have fixed that. Really.”
Don’t your billions of dollars of annual government funding dry up if global warming turns out not to be a crisis?
“Maybe, but we are guided by altruism and science.”
Can we take a look at the original data you used and can we examine your procedures?
“Why should I show them to you when you will simply try to find something wrong with them?”
Because that is how science works. Can we see them please?
“No, that would violate my privacy rights and my academic freedom.”
Then why should we believe a global warming crisis truly exists?
“Because we say so.”
I guess if such ridiculous circular logic passes for New Age science and if such ridiculous alleged harms as acne, wife beatings and UFO invasions are presented as legitimate global warming crises, then why should we NOT have Bigfoot, UFOs and Nostradamus appearing front and center on science and history programs.
Did you hear about the most recent one? Global warming is causing mutant sharks.
Two different shark subspecies appear to be breeding together in the waters off the coast of Australia. The Australian blacktip shark and the common blacktip shark seem to have been listening to Barry White music and getting their groove on together. Kind of like wolves breeding with husky dogs or German shepherds breeding with golden retrievers.
No big deal, really, except that some clever rainmaker for government grants has found a way to assert a connection with global warming. “The Australian blacktip is smaller and tends to live in warmer waters near northern and eastern Australia. Its globally distributed counterpart, the common blacktip, is larger and favors cooler waters,” explains the Jan. 3 Christian Science Monitor.
Did you get that? The Australian blacktip shark lives in warm waters. The common blacktip shark lives globally, in both warm and cool waters, but allegedly “favors cooler waters.” Therefore, if a few Australian blacktips and a few common blacktips get together and do the wild thing, global warming must be the reason. Now somebody please start shoveling some government grants our way.
By the way, what type of scientific evidence supports the asserted global warming connection?
Please allow me to quote the Huffington Post: “Lead researcher Jess Morgan said, ‘If [the Australian blacktip] hybridizes with the common species it can effectively shift its range further south into cooler waters, so the effect of this hybridizing is a range expansion.’”
OK, let’s get this straight. The immensely intelligent and forward-thinking Australian blacktip shark knows that humans are burning fossil fuels and have just failed to renew the Kyoto Protocol. This would seem to be good news for the warm water-loving Australian blacktip. Nevertheless, the Australian blacktip realizes that too much of its favored warm water might at some point in the future become a bad thing. Therefore, the Australian blacktips all got together and came up with a scheme to seduce unsuspecting common blacktip sharks so that they can find a way to survive in COOLER waters. All of this, of course, is to adjust to anticipated future decades of human-caused global warming.
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! Whoever said sharks were stupid?!
“I DO think there’s a shark in this warming…..”
Coming soon to a television set near you.